Our society is full of mixed messages. We are told to striving for competing goals or to abide by incompatible values. These mixed messages present us with financial contradictions. When we are unable to reconcile our values or goals, we are unable to feel confident in how we are earning, spending, saving, and investing our money. The result can be feeling insecure regarding both ourselves and our financial lives.
Cooperation V. Competition
My son is playing soccer for the first time. This is his introduction into team sports. It has been fascinating watching these young kids navigate this new activity.
First, let me say that kindergarten soccer is hysterical. Half of the time the kids are running the wrong way and blocking their own teammate’s shots. The league we are enrolled in is pretty laid-back and non-competitive. We don’t even keep score. Any comments, instructions, and cheering directed towards the kids is focused on learning the game, developing skills, and sportsmanship.
Even in an easy going environment, a large part of the game involves stealing the ball from the opposing team. Soccer is meant to be cooperative within the team and competitive between the different teams. While I tend towards cooperation, I do not view all competition as bad. Being competitive with others, and even just with ourselves, can motivate us towards growth.
The kids are frequently instructed them to “stay close” to the other team and to “get in there” and “take the ball.” I noticed that the kids often hang back and wait for a turn to kick. It struck me that these kids are all five years old and have spent the past 20 months of their lives living through a pandemic. That is over a quarter of their lives and the period during which most of their memories were formed. Social distancing is all they know. We have been repeatedly telling them to give people space, stay six feet away, and keep an arms-length between them and others. Then, we put them on a soccer field and say “get up close.”
Is it any wonder that they are at a loss? We have changed the script on them. The coaching goes against the health safety rules we have been working to instill.
Additionally, as one of the other team parents tells the kids, “this is your one chance not to share.” There is much truth in that humorous statement. They are in classrooms all day in which they are told to share and take turns. This message has been repeated since before they were even old enough to understand the meaning. Now, in instructing them to steal the ball, we alter the message to “don’t worry about that kid’s feelings, just take what you want.” This change in expectations must be baffling to young children.
The Contradictory Nature of Team Work
It strikes me how often we adults are placed in similar situations regarding money. We are told to believe a certain thing, but then the rules change. We are expected to recognize, understand, and adjust to these changes in expectations without question.
We were taught as children to share. Then, we are placed into classrooms in which we were told “eyes on your own work.” These same convoluted expectations for individuality v. community extend into our work lives. Within our jobs we each have our own responsibilities, our own paychecks, our own (if we are lucky) vacation days. In many managerial jobs we have commissions or bonuses that are tied to our personal productivity and accomplishments.
Yet, offices play up team work, cooperation, and even the idea of a “work family.” We are expected to operate in a collegial manner and support our co-workers with heavy workloads. Generally, this collaborative work comes from the bottom up. The lower ranking (read: poorly paid) employees are expected to assist those with more senior positions. These lower level employees wind up doing overflow work, leading to higher workloads or longer hours.
But, that is where the co-operation ends.
The employee receiving help is not expected to share their higher salary or the bonus they received for completing the project. If you use all of your energy at the office being a team player, no one is going to come to your house and help you cook dinner or put the kids to bed. It becomes apparent that the idea of team work is less about community and more about increasing productivity while decreasing payroll expenses.
The Incongruity of Beauty Standards
There is a societal perception that women are frivolous, shallow, and materialistic. We have all heard jokes about the woman who has a shoe addiction, hides her purchases from her spouse, or takes forever to get ready. This pre-occupation with appearance is a direct result the constant messages we receive from the media that our appearance is of the upmost importance.
Within the message that a favorable appearance is essential, there are contradictory messages as to how we should look. We can’t look too old or too young. We shouldn’t be too fat or too thin. We should match the modern notions of beauty while still appearing “natural”. This painfully honest poem by Khushi Kanda describes Society’s Cruel Expectations.
“Beauty” Is Expensive
Beyond the inherent contradictions built into current standards themselves are the unattainable expectations regarding beauty and money. Women are shamed for spending frivolously on clothing, beauty products and services. Women are also penalized for not making an effort to appear conventionally attractive. It is a no-win situation.
When we speak of financial inequalities among the genders, the cost of clothing, hair, nails, makeup, skincare, hair removal, etc. are rarely mentioned. These expenses can negatively impact women’s finances. Money women spend on beauty is not available for savings or to cover other expenses. (I am not even going to go into costs related to the diet industry here because that is such a huge topic in itself.) There are certainly ways to can cut costs; It is not necessary to outsource all of these services or buy the most expensive items. But even a DIY, drug-store-shopping woman will spend more than her male counterpart due to societal expectations around appearance.
This topic should not be discussed without noting that beauty expenses for black and brown women are even greater. Though options are improving, the scarcity of products available for black and brown women can mean higher costs. Plenty of articles, documentaries, etc. have noted the financial burden black women bear in caring for their hair. As white people become more aware of the expense and time black women spend on their hair, some workplaces have, uncoincidentally, implemented bans on natural hair. Black and brown women earn less than any other demographic but often have higher beauty expenses.
As women we are told that we must look a certain way which can only be achieved by spending money. You will only be taken seriously/ get the job/ receive the promotion if you adhere to specific physical aesthetics. Then we are told that we are not being taken seriously because we are too invested in our appearance. Additionally we are mocked or ridiculed for spending the money on fashion and beauty that is necessary to meet the standards set by society.
The Messaging to “Just” Slow Down
There has been a lot of societal focus lately on slowing down. The early days of the pandemic were referred to as “the great pause.” Many people (myself included) took that period of forced inactivity to reassess the continual rush in our lives. It seems we are always hurrying to get somewhere, to achieve more, and to do more.
The pandemic gave many of us a break from a large number of our usual activities. It allowed us to reflect upon the importance of the activities. Personally, this has been a wonderful time for me to consider my own pastimes. I have reflected upon which are necessary, which are enjoyable, and which endeavors have become inessential obligations.
The Reality In a Capitalist Society
For most of us, jobs are a necessity. We have bills to pay so that we can live. If we don’t do our jobs, we will not have them for long. How do you slow down when you have a job that occupies 40-50 or more hours per week?
We are juggling many ball:
• Our jobs
• The needs of our loved ones (particularly dependents)
• Our own personal needs and enjoyments
The only way to keep all the balls in the air is to keep up the fast pace. If we slow down, which of these essential balls is dropped?
Our capitalist system wants us to keep us juggling quickly, wants us to be as productive as possible. Many people lack the safety nets that would allow a ball to drop without causing substantial damage. Also, many of us have internalized the capitalist message that our value is rooted in our labor. We may also be plagued by perfectionism a trait rooted in the systems of white supremacy and capitalism. This leads to our belief that we must do everything, all the time, in exactly the right way.
Burnout is the unavoidable result of this relentless action. In response, we are told to slow down, relax, take it easy, stop being such a perfectionist. But, this goes against the messages we have received our whole lives. We have been taught to work harder, reach for the stars, never give up. People work until they burn out and are then are criticized for over extending themselves, not taking care of themselves, and not having boundaries.
Suppose you do slow down. Suppose you stop returning phone calls, you lighten up a bit at work, you let your house get messy, you “let your looks go.” Then what happens? Even if you can navigate through the internal voices, you will hear plenty of external voices telling you doing things wrong, you are lazy, you are failing.
There may be practical consequences to dropping the balls. Women are put on “the mommy track” at work because they clearly don’t view their job as a priority. They may lose friends because they don’t show up or make the effort. Poor women or those in marginalized groups risk a greater potential fallout. They may be risking their housing or their access to food. They may even risk their family if social services becomes involved.
Being able to slow down is wonderful. Mindfulness is awesome. Rest and leisure are beautiful. These are also luxuries for many who do not have financial privilege to outsource chores or dictate the terms of their job.
We should question the aims of capitalist societies including the hard work imperative. We need to consider our personal values and goals in deciding where to direct our energies. There is a lot of value in the mindfulness movement and the prioritizing of mental health over consumption. But we also need to be aware that many in our society do not have the ability to slow down without suffering dreadful consequences. These folks are caught in the discrepancy between the rising trend toward slowness and the necessity of constant motion to meet their basic necessities.
Gas-Lighting or Systemic Contradictions?
Some of the issues discussed above involve a degree of gas-lighting. Nonetheless I see it is more nuanced than that. The boss who tells you how much they value you while overworking and underpaying you is likely gas-lighting you. But, beyond the psychological manipulation by an individual, these are contradictions built into our systems.
These inherent financial contradictions can make us feel insecure about our abilities. We cannot meet societies expectations without feeling financially irresponsible. But this is not about us mismanaging our money. There is no way to fully reconcile the two conflicting aspirations.
It is tempting to embrace binary thinking. We are cooperative or competitive. Things are either slow or fast. We must completely conform to beauty norms or entirely reject those standards. It is in our nature as humans to try to categorize things. Even so, there are many situations in which we can hold space for both ideas. I can spend enough on my image to feel good about my appearance without letting it derail my other financial goals. I can volunteer to help a co-worker while pacing myself so that I don’t become exhausted.
As you have likely heard me say ad nauseam, awareness and making intentional, informed decisions is key to taking control of our finances. There is rarely a single “right” decision. We can only seek to recognize the subtleties of each position and work out what is best for us in the specific circumstances. In the instance of kindergarten soccer, I plan to keep discussing the whys of sharing and the reasons it is more appropriate in some situations than others.