Your Relationship With Money

Your relationship with money will never be perfect. Like most things in life, it is a work in progress. But, “in progress” means you are working on it. So, let’s get started down the path of exploring your relationship with money.

A Product of Our History

I want you to know that you are not broken or faulty. You are not inferior or incapable. You are a product of your past experiences, the society you live in, the things you have been taught – both true and untrue.

When it comes to money, we are all working with a lot of baggage. By the time we know what money is and understand how it works we have already formed opinions and emotions based upon our experiences. Were adults in your life anxious about their finances? Were you told you couldn’t have what you wanted because “we can’t afford it”? Or maybe you felt like you were not as important to your parents as their money earning jobs were. Did people seemed to like you because of your material possessions? Whether you had money or not, none of us grew to adulthood in our society without being very aware of money, the necessity of it in our everyday lives, what it can do for us, and how it can harm us. We all have a relationship with money.

Relationships Take Work

Just like any relationship, your relationship with money will never be perfect. (Not that I really believe in perfection, but you know what I am saying) You will likely always have some fears and insecurities surrounding money. You will likely feel satisfaction at times and distress at others. You may see ways that money both hinders and helps you.

For anyone who has been in therapy, you know you don’t expect to emerge “fixed” and never again experience any psychological distress. Instead, you recognize that life will always be emotional and challenges will arise. The goal is to develop knowledge, tools, and experience to deal with whatever comes your way in the future.

To be clear, I am not a financial therapist. Or any kind of therapist. (I’ve never even taken an intro to psychology class.) My point in this analogy is that your relationship with money is just that, a relationship. And just like any other relationship it will take work and there are no guarantees. The relationship will continue to grow and evolve. And the more conscious you are of how you behave within the relationship, the more effort you put into the relationship, the stronger the relationship will be and the better it will support you during difficult times.

In our society there is no escaping a relationship with money. We rely on money. We rely on money as security. We rely on money as a status symbol. We rely on money to obtain our wishes and achieve our goals. We rely on money for our freedom.

Improving the Relationship

So, how can you improve your relationship with money?

Act With Intentionality

As with any relationship we need to be intentional about what we want out of it and what we are willing to put into it. Otherwise the money will be calling the shots and we will just be along for the ride. Intentionality allows us to take control. We get to decide how we view our money, our goals for our money, and how me manage our money. When it comes to finances, it is so tempting to stick your head in the sand.

Increase Knowledge

Knowledge is another way to improve your relationship with money. I speak with lots of people who feel insecure around money because they believe they are lacking the knowledge to truly take control of their money. They feel like they missed that day of class and now everyone else knows what they are doing but they do not. They feel like they should know but they don’t. They feel like they are missing something.

Sure, general resources such as articles, books, and videos can help improve knowledge. But the world of money is very noisy. Think of it as the friend who talks non-stop and changes direction mid sentence. It is exhausting to keep up with the conversation. You may understand some of what they are saying but you feel like you missed part of the story.

Instead I encourage you to think about where the holes are in your knowledge that are relevant to you. You cannot know everything so target your time and energy on the areas most personally significant. If you have no savings then you may find that your time is better spent learning about savings and budgeting than reading up on Cryptocurrency. If you have no children then skip right over the blog on 529 plans. Does the exchange rate with China or the success of hedge funds directly affect you? Then, I am not saying the topics are unimportant, but maybe those are not the best places to direct your energy.

Gain Momentum

Whenever we feel inadequate or overwhelmed it is easy to become immobilized. We stay stuck because we do not see a way forward.

So some questions I want you to consider are:

What baggage are you bringing into your relationship with money?
What is your current relationship with money?
What do you want your relationship to look like?
How does your current relationship with money differ from your ideal relationship?
What is one small step you can take to bridge the gap?

Take some time to journal on each of these questions and you may be surprised by what your are feeling and thinking beneath your immediate level of consciousness.

By starting with a single small action (journal question #5) you will begin the momentum of improving your relationship with your finances. It doesn’t really matter what the step is or even how effective it is. What matters is that you are addressing the issue. You are practicing making changes. You are gaining experience in intentionally managing your finances and creating a foundation for future growth and change.

Own It

People often have a lot of negative emotions surrounding money. They feel ignorant, unworthy, out of control. This can lead to shame and embarrassment. When you try to push down and avoid the feelings they will just grow. Instead, own your financial situation.

This may be uncomfortable at first but, like anything, becomes easier with time. Recognize that we all have uncomfortable feelings about money. When we isolate ourselves with these feelings the shame grows. When we open up and we begin to have these conversations, we will learn how many others are in the same boat. Maybe they are experiencing similar financial struggles. Maybe they have similar feelings or experiences. Maybe their issues are completely different but equally valid. Whatever we find, by opening up we can find comfort in community and recognize that our negative money feelings are not unique to us.

You Are Not Defined By Your Finances

While you are owning your financial situation and your feelings surrounding it, also open yourself up to the idea that this is not a personal failing. Your money does not define you. Money is morally neutral and your personal worth is not linked to your net worth. The more we can separate our identities from our finances the less we are under the control of our finances.

We will never reach a place in which we have an “ideal” relationship with money. Likely you will always feel some stress and self consciousness. But we can all take steps to improve our relationship with money.